The Playstation 3. This is Living (Sub-standardly).

I have so many questions about this console. (As you will go on you may notice “questions” is a shallow veil for “huge complaints”)

Firstly, given two years to copy the best bits of the 360, how have they missed the fact that Achievements are coolest thing. It’s like the first person ever to copy the design of the first automobile just happening to miss out the importance of the wheels. Now i am forced to buy every game for the Xbox 360 as it will give me some scant reward when i achieve something.

So  it’s dumb, and it’s harsh…. maybe it will be rescued by it’s looks?

Robert De Niro (in Jackie Brown), Dawn French, Eddie Argos and Johnny Vegas are larger than life, funny, loveable people. The PS3 is just fat. Looking a lot like the bloated obese offspring of a puddle of tar and a futuristic lemon, Sony needs to realise that any piece of hardware the size of Albania should refrain it’s attempts to be sleek. Now the 360 isn’t exactly pretty, it’s sure no catwalk model, but at least it blends in with the wall in it’s white and vaguely kettle shaped way.

Dumb. Harsh. Ugly.

Fear not because even though every joint platform game will inevitably have to be purchased for the Xbox there’s at least the great swathe of exclusives. HAZE. I suggest anyone wishing to buy this game, should buy a plane ticket to somewhere very war-torn, spend a few nights just eating brussel sprouts and burning money in front of your face. Then when you get back HAZE might not seem such a waste of money. Probably the worst shooter ever conceived by man, moose or marsupial it wastes one of the greatst back stories in recent years by making it into these two simple equations – JOCKS = BAD, HISPANIC REBELS = GOOD. You can’t even escape the virus-like ludircous simpicity by playing it on mute (and trust me you will want to) because Free-Radical has used its handy videogame maths again – JOCKS = YELLOW WITH LOTS OF TECHNOLOGY AND ARMOUR, HISPANIC REBELS = BIEGE WITH VERY LITTLE OF ANYTHING AND BEAT UP VEHICLES.

Dumb, Harsh, Boring and Ugly.

It gets worse. There’s a traditional Playstation Controller. There’s the idea of trigger buttons. You’d expect a western style stand off. One on one end of the street, the other on the other. Furrowed brows, Ennio Morricone playing in the background, sharp cuts to the Magnums in each mans right hand. A dustball rolls by. The slamming and creaking of the saloon doors. This town surely is not big enough for the both of them…… But wait! Here comes Sony! The men lay-down their weapons, walking gently towards one another, Ennio Morricone skips and is replaced by Blazing Squad, the two would-be cowboys meet at the crossroads, put on Kappa Tracksuits and dance like bad Estelle extras. This is simple to any sane person – it’s triggers vs the original controller. But somehow you end with these bloody mild stabs in the direction of flaps? What the hell are they? They are not triggers or buttons. They are just like the fat grey flapping cheeks of a very opressed bulldog.

There’s yet more. Why the hell does a console the size of a small dictatorship, not have any buttons on it. I literally cannot say how much i hate the stupid “Hover over me” approach demanded by the iditoic thing. Why can’t you press it? What was wrong with the physical sensation of knowing you actually damn well pressed it?

Let’s no go into the stupid silver strip. Wow its not a black amorphous blob anymore, it’s got this tiny slither of shiny cheap plastic distinction. If you’re going to make black items of electronics, they should look charmingly eighties, thats just a fact. I have a recordable freeview box, its black and square and it’s the sort of thing you could imagine Patrick Bateman alpahbetising his recorded torture-porn collection on. It works. The PS3 is a huge failure of design.

Now coupled with this plethora of faults, the only noteworthy act of my PS3 in recent weeks was to erase the data for Racedriver: GRID. Which is the only game i actually i like for the console! If i am the McCarthy era of American politics, my PS3 is someone running around in a fur hat, wearing a long coat, with a bushy moustache, carrying a hammer and a sickle, reading Das Kapital, while carving statues of Lenin.

I didn’t want to hate the PS3. I wanted to have two equally loved console children (I’m not realy counting my Wii for any of this, it’s not a console in this sense). While the Xbox 360 does disappoint – sometimes it treads dirt into the house but in the end it makes cute finger painting pictures of me and it makes me smile. The PS3 rips the heads of birds, kicks the cat, spits in my coffee and does unthinkable things in my shoes. I’d put the bloody thing up for adoption……. but i can’t even lift it without a crane.

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~ by matt, yeah! on September 28, 2008.

53 Responses to “The Playstation 3. This is Living (Sub-standardly).”

  1. *Welcomes back with open arms*

  2. wow fanboi alert

  3. Stop blogging and shoot yourself. You are the epitome of moronic fanboy.

  4. Playstation 3 is a great machine and every fault you mentioned is an opinion.

    Playstation 3 has trophies to counter achievements, Playstation 3 is the sexiest console on the market you must have forgot to put on your contacts if you can’t see that, Haze is a bad game but what about Metal Gear Solid 4, Uncharted, LittleBIGPlanet and GT5 prologue. The controller could be a lot better and I use my 360 for FPS’s but for fighting games the Dpad on ps3 is so much better and what is wrong with holding your finger over a button if you’re so opposed to that then use the controller to turn it on by pressing the middle button.

    I like my ps3 and 360 for different reasons you clearly are ignorant towards ps3 and this blog proves it not once did you mention blu-ray, not having hardware problems, bluetooth, free online, more powerful console, etc. If you only want to flame a console then you’re not a true gamer, all your reasons are biased towards the 360. Sure ps3 has a load of faults but your reasons are petty, I mean silver strip HONESTLY.

    Act your age.

  5. well… ok, if you say so.

  6. i would love to enjoy my xbox 360 more if it didnt spend more time in the repair shop than in my living room. 4 red ring of death xbox 360s in 8 months, wow, what a console. while i agree that haze is a terrible game, for every haze theres a too human out there so lets try to keep things in perspective. i hope everyone enjoys their consoles this holiday because theres a good amount of quality exclusives coming to next gen systems, hopefully my refurbished xbox is here before fable 2 ships.

  7. God… I feel sorry for whoever wrote this garbage.
    I have both consoles. Both are great. But the PS3 lineup in the near future is fantastic.

  8. so true

  9. Why did you buy it? If you don’t like.

    Xbox 360’s controllers suck a lot. I has no motion sensors, and it is as ugly as a 4 year old child would desire.
    The console itself seems to be as hot as hell and produces a noise that would make an helicopter feel quiet.
    C’mon, in terms of design there is no way X360 can win PS3. It is a failure in so many ways, while PS3 owns every single point.
    WTF? That light circle? That seems to be desinged fornbabies, and gray… Why the hell gray? If you have a black TV, which seems to be the standr for HDTVs you’re fucked up.
    Your article smells shit, it is just bullshit wroten over and over…
    At least, PS3 fans work good enough to let the console just warm, not even close to the hell, and, PS3 doesn’t have RROD.

    At least you can use your 360 as a heater, just make sure it won’t burn your house.

    Just another M$ fanboy…

  10. WOW! Hey Mr. Gates? While your here? Is the warranty still good if its my 4th RROD 360?? Cmon dude the PS3 is a much better looking console than the 360 or the wee. I have had (4) 360’s since its launch and have played many many hours on it and I must say achievments are not all that unless you are about 12 yrs old. I rarely find myself giving a ratts ass about unlocking achievments when I play a game…..maybe its because I am all grown up, I dont know?

  11. Wow, fanboyism has reached a new low. Apart from your lack of grammatical knowledge and professional journalism, this ‘article’ is full of shallow arguments that seem to ignore the very counter-arguments relating to the same console.

    Well done.

  12. So the main problem with the Playstation is the way it looks? Who looks at the console itself? Are the Xbox games so boring that you look at how pretty the box is instead of the games you are playing? I find this article pointless and having no relevance in the console war. It is merely a rant from someone who clearly does not like Playstation and probably not Sony either. What do they call that again….. ummm… it’s on the tip of my tongue……. OH that’s right, a FANBOY!!! Sigh

  13. lol i found this so funny… and I actually like my ps3… a hell lot more than xbox. lol the crane line was sweet though because its so true

  14. lol… 360 has just as many faults. there is no perfect console. And about Haze… Too Human? Infinite Undiscovery? Vampire Rain?

  15. ummm…ok, now do u feel stupid already?? u already bought it, i don’t see a point of complaining about ( copy pasting actually ) the ps3, enjoy it while others cant

  16. LOL…The world is so crap because people like you are allowed to have opinions.

  17. LOL that was pretty good, I gotta say he nailed quite a few of the PS3s flaws, you fanboys defending the PS3 should be glad he stopped there, at least he didn’t mention how retarded the operating system is on the PS3, mandatory installs, constant updates that take forever to load, crappy and very little PSN content that also takes forever to load. XBL is like a Bentley and PSN is a ford escort.

    Sony so failed with this one, lets hope PS4 gets more thought put into it instead of a weapon in a DVD disk format war.

  18. I like how all of these comments are calling him a fanboy, and yet none of you have a bad word to say about the PS3, and a hell of a lot to complain about the 360.

    Hypocritical much?

  19. I’ll do this by paragraph…

    1 TROPHIES

    2 complaining about how a console looks? (I never understand this)
    2a who the hell cares?
    2b IMO it looks very cool (at least it doesn’t have an enormous power supply hanging out its ass)

    3 Spending an entire paragraph complaining about ONE bad PS3 exclusive? yeah the game sucks we know, everyone knows. How about talking about the other GREAT games that are out/coming out…

    4 I love the controller, and with shooters; as long as its L1 to aim and R1 to fire, I like it more than the 360’s.

    5 WOW, more complaints about the looks, and lack of buttons… Yes these are the really important issues with consoles, much more important than reliability /sarcasm

    6 OMFG even more complaints about the looks… wtf?

    7 “Now coupled with this plethora of faults” …what were those faults again? looks? one bad exclusive game?

    8 look at the facts and stop jumping on the “I hate the PS3 bandwagon” and you’ll love the PS3. This isn’t 2007 anymore.

    Half of this article is either a bunch of bad analogies or complaining about the looks of a console. You fail.

  20. Satire is good, but only if you have some real VALID arguments behind it.
    All the finest satire has wit and very factual points, this doesn’t.

    But you’re just here to ‘make a scene’ aren’t you?
    If you, yourself sent this to N4G as news, you should be ashamed.

    Write one about the 360 or the Wii and send it to N4G, I’ll still see you as a fool.

  21. Wow what a biased article, I own both consoles but I don’t prepare myself for a RROD every time I power up my PS3. The online on PS3 isn’t amazing but it’s free. I stood the PS3 and X360 side by side and it is just slightly bigger than the X360. Next lets move onto your punctuation, are you a 12 year old fanboy who is seeking revenge after getting constantly PWND on COD 4? I play both consoles just as much and at the moment see no difference in graphics. Both X360 and PS3 have a good line up this year. Get your facts straight and your bias remarks sorted before you waste your time writing a article 😉 😉

  22. Transformers, Trolling In Disguise.

  23. Ok. wow. controversy, eh?

    First things first. I’m really not a fanboy i just happen to seriously dislike my ps3. Now yes the Xbox 360 has serious faults. I could easily write a blog all about thats wrong with the 360 too.

    – the ps3 does have hardware flaws it deleted my Racedriver: GRID file
    – fair point to whoever had a go at the grammar. my proof reading is atrocious (if i even do it) so good on you.
    – of course it’s only my opinion. It’s my bloody blog.
    – whoever told me to shoot myself? what? you could just stop reading mate. do you want that on your conscience?
    – i like Sony they made my favourite MP3 player.
    – this is where a 19 year old puts his thoughts when he’s bored. Alas not a “professional journalist”
    – i’d like to state again i’m not a fanboy. N64 is probably my favourite console and i own every one apart from the NES, and 3DO but i’ve never even seen one and i judge each console on it’s individual merits. Wasn’t the gamecube ace?
    – seriously did you read about 3 pages of writing just to slate me at the end of it? and you think I’m wasting my time eh?
    – i had uncharted. it wasn’t very good.
    – little big planet does look good, yes.
    – someone who doesn’t like something isn’t a fanboy. they are the at worst a “hater”.
    – yes the xbox 360 does have some shit games. BECAUSE IT’S NOT THAT BLOODY GOOD EITHER. ps3 is something like 5/10, xbox is about 7/10 they are both rather far from perfect and lack the charm and charisma of many of the consoles before them.
    – i wish i was Bill Gates but i’m not. Did you know he earns more than Chad?
    – how much do you guys hate “anon” for agreeing with me?
    – blu-ray is frankly unecessary. do you need to pay £30 to replace films so they look slightly sharper?
    – “you find this article pointless” well fine, you’re entitled to. the more pointless thing is commenting on its pointlessness.
    – my age is 19, and it’s a suitable age to hate a silver strip.
    – i happened to be looking forward to Haze and it was a huge disappointment
    – at no point does it say anywhere this blog is written in the interest of impartiality.
    – why did i buy it if i don’t like it? well it kinda took buying it to find out. bizarre question.
    – my article doesn’t smell. it’s on the internet.
    – “:(” i appreciate your concern.
    – the online is free yes. i did give it 5/10 not zero.
    – i apprecaite “:)”‘s welcome.
    – i’d finally like to say by choosing your name to be “Quantum” you’re not giving your point any more validity. You are the smallest possible quantity eh? or something which can be measured? good for you.

    It’s just what i think.
    Look at that top 20 films to the right.
    I don’t think “American Psycho” is the best film ever.
    It’s my favourite.
    It’s just preference.

    and while i feel no need to insult anyone who was has commented i would like to say whoever submitted a piece of writing which is like an entry in a diary to n4g is clearly an utter idiot.

    i’d like to thank you all for reading, my hit counter must have gone through the roof.

    matt

  24. why does n4g keep picking up these fanboy rants?

  25. Blu-Ray is needed, you want your games on 2 disks with textures being compressed? Uncharted is a good game in my opinion. I am no fanboy either since like you own both, the X360 is still pumpingout good games so is PS3, X360 has Gears PS3 has MGS4. They are both just as good as eachother. Sorry to say but you ingulfed a flame war with your article. Fnboys feed on articles such as this, as long as one person is bashing another console they get fed. I like the power and disk tray button on the PS3

  26. to rotindo. i did not send this to n4g. it would be orgasmically good if none of you had ever read it, but pithy nerds eh, what can you do.

    to LastDance – “LOL…The world is so crap because people like you are allowed to have opinions.” Are you really being serious. the ills of planet earth are entirely formed from one uni students opinions on a stupidly meretricious and frivolous object such as a games console?

  27. I pressed enter, carry on
    it makes it futuristic and cool lol, I don’t object to your views since you are allowed to voice them but as I said they just fed the fan boy.

  28. i like “Anti fanboy”. “Anti fanboy” makes sense. i didn’t even know there was such a thing as a flame-war. what a ridiculous concept.
    YOU PEOPLE LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE. I LIKE WHAT I LIKE.

  29. 😀 Gd gd lol, it’s basically when someone buys a PS3 they defend it with their life same with X360 users. People actually live for flame wars and just say anything even though his/her console may not have that capability. People just can’t agree that their console is just as equal as the other, if they fail in bragging about their consoles capabilities, if they lose they resort to personal insults. It’s they way of the world.

  30. wow. that’s a real eye-opener. why aren’t these people being given aid or something? air-drop in art galleries and museums hell just give them a primark and let them form a concept of semi-fashion.

    I’m totally sticking to being obsessed about music

    and for the record best game ever – Starwing.

  31. Can’t say I have ever heard of it lol, whats your X360 GT and PSN ID? I wont mind if you don’t tell me, it’s cool

  32. it was on the SNES. had captain fox mccloud. and the most amazing character on anything ever – slippy the toad.

    I’m not online anymore i’m afraid this university internet can barely handle massively-multiplayer online nerd blog abuse, let a games console.

  33. Lol ok it’s cool, I got college tomorrow but see a fanboy war everyday…

  34. really? tough gig mate.

    you should liberate these people from their primitive ways.

  35. So basically, did you get victimised by N4G then?

    A guy called Dynamo sent this and a high a few high ranking members approved it; so if I were you, do something about your personal blog being sent to everyone to read because of those members of N4G.

  36. it would appear I’ve been rather set up.
    I shall get right on it. (I’ll even have to find out exactly what N4G is).

  37. you’re not very smart are you?

  38. Someone should consider suing Sony for lieing about the performance of the PS3. 360 outperforms the PS3 in every aspect of gaming. PS3 isn’t even a shadow of the Killzone 2 CGI or Motorstorm footage Sony claimed was actual gameplay. That folks is bold faced false advertisement.

  39. Holy Shyza Sony Fans! You guys are PIST!

    I sold my PlayStation 3 not because it had anything to do with what this guy was talking about in his article, but because of the lack of games.

    We’ll see how Resistance 2 does. But to all of the Sony fans, so many of you are like “I have both consoles and they both rock. This guy is an idiot, the PS3 is amazing”.

    Clearly you do not have both consoles. I know you’re lying cause all fanboys have used that excuse one time or another, even me. You support one console and one console only and that is the PS3. And nothing is wrong with that.

    But a word of advice, stop getting your panties in a bunch over one guy’s opinion. Stop making shit up to defend your console in a seemingly “appropriate” manner.

    Numbers and stats always tells the truth. When Christmas ends this year and one console (PS3 or 360) is doing better than the other, then the fanboys can start talking.

    Until then, shut your lips and learn.

  40. Man… spot on article… sonyfanboys need a slap now and again to wake them up…
    Blu Ray is dead on arrival…
    The over hyped Cell processors are crippled by the ps3’s architecture
    Game after game after game is substandard on the ps3 compared to the 360
    The 360 is the ONLY console of choice for the real gamer

  41. I know 25 people with a 360 and 2 with a ps3. Of the 35 360 owners, 4 of them bought a ps3, ‘played’ it for a few weeks and were so completed underwhelmed by the experienced they sold their ps3’s.
    along with Blu Ray… the ps3 is already dying

  42. To everyone joining us from N4G – Lighten up it’s not even written that seriously. I once again have to say I AM NOT A FAN BOY. Neither of the new consoles are that good. they are just turning into mini-pcs, the graphics are reaching a plateau, the gameplay is barely improving either.

    If you really came here looking for a flame-war, then you shall leave sadly disappointed because i’m not approving one more narrow minded, abusive, Sony-loving or Sony-hating comment.

    On a final note whoever said “It’s written like bad Douglas Adams” – i wish it was that good.

    Now, off with you.

  43. Yeah, its just the fact that many fanboys directly send in their blogs as articles even though N4G is really just for real news about Videogames.
    The fact that a collection of xbox360 fanboys sent in YOUR PERSONAL blog, probably just searched up by Google and approved it, just because of your personal thoughts is shocking.

    I’d do something about it, the same people were just trying to do it with someone else’s blog. Seriously, some of the 360fanboys are THAT bad around N4G.

  44. wow. that’s pretty damn low.

  45. at least i understand why everyone absolutely hates me for it now. lol.

  46. and btw to whoever you are Cajun Chicken on N4G thank you for setting everyone clear on that for me. Cheers.

    Matt

  47. Cajun Chicken is me. I have many names on many services. I don’t even know how I even signed up to be Rotindo on Worpress. I must of had a blog here at one point, lol.

  48. well good on you, sir.

    i didn’t really expect a light-hearted blog to generate waves of abuse.

  49. Sup Matt,

    While I think your jabs at the PS3 are ludicrous, I thought your rebuttal was solid (especially about how your blog is now on N4G which is why I’m here [you also happen to be one of the most read articles at the moment]). All these people coming to your blog to hate on you are sort of like foreigners coming into your country and telling you how much it sucks. Here’s my counter-argument on why I think your gripes are petty:

    Sony released the first PS in 1994, and the second in 2000. The Xbox was released in 2001 possessing many of the PS’s features. So who copied who? Were you talking about XBL vs. PSN? The PSN technically existed first. I will give you that XBL was far superior and could arguably still be, but I don’t see any features on either service that I don’t find on the other.

    Achievements are to consoles as wheels are to cars? Come on man. That’s like saying that without sprinkles the ice cream store is worthless. Besides, I personally prefer trophies (although it would be nice if the existed in more than like 3 games).

    Alright, fine, the PS3 is big, but seriously, who cares? It doesn’t affect gameplay at all. And it’s quiet. The 360 sounds like it’s got a damned water slide in it or something. I literally have to turn the volume up on my TV to drown out the noise. As for ugly? Well, personal preference. But it’s not like if a hot chick sees your Xbox it’s going to get her all hot for you (unless she’s some sort of rare magical creature that is only whispered about in legends).

    And Haze… uh… well, it was… um… Metal Gear is good… Who gives a crap about Haze anyway? It’s not like you saw the ad for Haze and ran down to the store to buy your PS3 for it, right? If you did then maybe you’re a sucker. Game reviews and rentals exist for a reason. My advice, go sell Haze to a used game store for $10 or whatever and put it towards a used copy of Bioshock.

    I admit that the “triggers” on the PS3 controller are a little weak-sauce, kinda like the “d-pad” on the 360 (which appears to be a third analog stick with a cross on it). I definitely like the sticks on the 360 better too. They’re not as touchy as the PS3.

    Griping about touch sensitive buttons is just weird though. If you don’t feel like they’re strenuous enough, do some push-ups before you touch them.

    I get it, you don’t like the way it looks, but “failure of design”? My PS3 has never broken down. Sure, my xbox is a year older, but I have a freaking TV from 1982 that still works. Also, the queer shape of the xbox seems designed to suck dust and cat hair under it. Maybe that’s why mine melted down.

    I see you say that you didn’t want to hate the PS3, but also that the only game you like on it is Grid. Nobody bought a freaking PS3 for Grid, so why did you buy it? See, I bought mine for MGS, GoW, GTA, FF, Ico, Tekken, and because HD movies in 7.1 surround sound are sexy.

    Anyway, sorry for the 10-page dissertation. I was bored. Good luck with the N4G crowd. Those people are crazy.

  50. you know what guys? the bloke above me is entirely right. my post was written in dismayed post “OMG it deleted grid!” state. My arguments are petty and pathetic. I don’t really hate the PS3 that much, i was just entertaining myself. It does have some good points. I fully appreciate that whinging about touch sensitive buttons is not a valid whinge. Euro 2008, Civ Rev and Grid are great games on the console and i literally can’t wait for Killzone 2. That said i don’t like as much as my 360 and you’re just going to have to accept that concept.

    now there’s a few backlashes to handle and i’ll be off
    – to the guy who said “your editor should sack you…” I am the editor, I am judge, jury, executioner, president, bin-man, plumber and pole-dancer on this blog. it’s my blog and no-one elses.
    – to the bloke who said “take time out to sudy literature” if you can do better than an A* then well done, mythical creature.

    that’s really it. Go and enjoy a nerdy storm in someone else’s tea-cup.

  51. agreed (:

  52. I enjoyed your article.

    While I have no real opinion either way (I have played on both consoles but do not own any of them… I’m a PC gamer), I think the comparisons and humor presented in your post are pretty good. Classic blog material. The ones who are here calling you a fanboy whilst screaming profanity in an fruitless effort to demean you, effectively demonstrate that they are, in fact, fanboys themselves, and immature ones at that. Both consoles have their merits, but you were just trying to make an insightful, humorous observation and I applaud you for it.

    Bravo and keep up the good work.

  53. Great site, I’ll come back and read more when I have more time.

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